addictive as crack

Our argument started over these innocent objects.

I’m emceeing a popular fund-raiser for a local charity.  The charity is called Opportunity School.  Click the link….it’s an incredible school and it has helped many children in our community.  I had the emcee gig last year, as well…..so it was nice to be invited back.
This event includes a lovely dinner, cocktails and then a show consisting of funny, or novelty lip-synching acts performed by local ‘celebrities’.  It’s called LIPS.  It’s been a highly successful event and this is the 18th year!  As emcee, I try to keep the energy and the audience ‘up’ between acts.  I have to talk or do SOMETHING for around 1 to 1 1/2 minutes.  Sounds easy…but it’s daunting.
This is when the wiener dog inquisition ensued.

What’s with the severed hand?

I’m doing a spoof of the Beatle’s hit…I Wanna Hold Your Hand.  I might dance a little, too.

The pick and the waxed paper??

Playin’ audio kazoo trivia with the audience.  I’m humming classic TV themes and they’re supposed to guess the show.

The coonskin cap is passe.  Who cares about Davy Crockett?

Actually, it was Daniel Boone…..but I may not do it….

The blond wig….you’re doing Gaga aren’t you?  Tell me you’re NOT doing Gaga!….you’re coming out as Lady Gaga with a steak on your head.  That’s a lame excuse for her and her awesome AND fashionable meat dress!

Doxy….you might be a little biased….

How so?!

Meat….you adore meat!  Whether it’s laying over Gaga’s backside or resting between two buns….you’re always pro-meat!

If you’re gonna do Gaga, at least let me show you how to pose like her in Bad Romance.

Ummmmm….O.K., I’ll take that under advisement.

You’ll do ANYTHING for a laugh, you know.  Humiliate your family….your friends….your blameless pets!!  You have a problem-admit it.  You’re……you’re…….. a laugh-whore.  You’re ADDICTED to trying to make people laugh.  I think you’re a pun prostitute!

I like to think of myself as an innocent, carnard call-girl.

It’s not funny….it’s a serious addiction.  You’re a tall-tale tart, a microphone maniac, a ha-ha hussy!!

Can we STOP already with the alliteration?  I have to do my best to entertain the crowd.  If it humilites you, I’m sorry.  Doxy…..Roxy-Doxy?Are you still listening??  What in the hell are you doing?

This is how you should play Poker Face…….

Leapin’ what? 6 lessons we learn from frogs

Welcome tadpoles!    Remember me mentioning the wacky, screaming frogs living at my Mom’s retirement center pond?  Spent some time showing them my Nikon.  Discovered the frogs got it ALL goin’ on.  Listen to their chirpy, bug-eyed testimony.
Speak frogs!  We await at your webbed feet for wisdom.

1.  Become a good swimmer.  They’re not talking dog-paddling, floating on your back with a Bud Light, or general lollygagging in the water.  They’re talking swimming from point A to point B in an efficient and timely manner.  It’s fabu exercise, easy on the joints and fantastic for the heart and lungs.  Practice those swimming skills….you’ll be one-third ready for your triathlon.  Ever seen a frog with arthritis, eh?

2.  Take time to stop and sit on the lily pad.  Is there something stunning you’re overlooking in your own pond?
3.  Work on improving your kissing skills.  The practice is fun and you’re sure to make a grateful splash with your Prince or Princess!

4.  Look both ways before crossing the street.  Your mother is right……a-gain.  Another retirement home golf cart vs. amphibian tragic encounter.  Feckless frog never knew what hit it.  Hope he was wearing clean underwear.  
5.  Learn to be comfortable in your own skin….WARTS and all.  They swear this quality is the root of real attractiveness.
6.  Go ahead.   Take a giant leap of faith.  You’ve gotta dive in.  It’s okay if you scream or croak (or worse!) before taking the intimidating vault.  Besides, one can’t discern urine on a wet swimsuit…can one?!   Doesn’t really matter if it’s fear or bravery motivating your jump-you’re getting the feet wet all the same. You’ll bob up for air immensely wiser….you’ll see. 
Was gonna rub my legs together and sing you a  love song.  Oh wait…..I’m confusing frogs with crickets
Amphibious affection to all this week.