#1 cause of insomnia revealed!

Step one….check……admitted I was powerless over my addiction to sleep-enhancing drugs.  My old friend, sleep-how I miss you *sigh*.  Is it possible I have sniffed out a contributing cause as I doggedly pursue the solution to this problem?  Could this innocent face be a contributing cause?

Yup, Roxy-Doxy makes her nightly nest with me and the Texan.  Virtues of a wiener dog sleeping in the marital bed?  Well, duh……who wouldn’t want to sleep with a plush velvet hot water bottle?  Yeah, and the dachshund is pretty soft, too!  Her nose is a heat seeking missile finding it’s target plastered against my legs, my butt, my back, or my stomach…you get the idea.

We begin our hopeful sleep journey with much snuggliness and doxy warmth, but during the night peaceful slumber deteriorates into boisterousness.   Awareness creeps in as those sturdy earth-moving paws pierce my ample backside.  Those gnarly, stout little legs stiffen and excitedly dream-dig, dream-run, dream-jump, dream-swim, or dream-chase our local roadrunner.
Her claws transform into weapons of back destruction.  Daggers.  Needles.  Swords. 

It’s like these

Turn into these

And this beautiful paw

Morphs into this

No silly….not a giant asparagus, but a skin-piercing New Mexico agave cactus! Ouch!!

These images come to mind

I have a diabolical plan-heh,heh,heh.  I’m positive old dogs can learn new tricks, and then I’ll teach that wiener a thing or two.  No, my plan does not involve selling her to Oscar Meyer-even though the little snot is leading our office March Madness pool. I’ll let you know how it goes.

insomni-mania and Nascar

I want to marry Tylenol PM.  No kidding.  Having embraced my older athlete,  there is forever a freshly-pulled or sore ‘whatnot’ needing to be soothed.  This Nascar brain burning laps in my skull needs meds to re-lax. 

The hazy routes of Ambien, Lunesta, Valium, melatonin and Bach’s Rescue sleep have been thoroughly explored.  The prescription meds are fantastico and elusive sleep comes….but these things shouldn’t be taken every damned night……should they?  This is where Tylenol PM comes in handy.  It’s not a prescription-how BAD can it be?

As long as we are truth-telling, I’m solely responsible for keeping Tylenol and the PM prospering the last couple, few many years.  I’ve been downing the sleepytime candy for a……..uh,….long time.  It’s not as if I haven’t tried.  Some positive steps taken:

1.  Exercise.  I do it…hard.  Most every day.  I am fit and I am TIRED at bedtime.
2.  Don’t drink caffeine in the evening and eat a (generally) good diet.
3.  Go to bed at a regular hour.  The Texan has our lights set on a timer and they automatically go out at the appointed hour.  It’s like being in the military.
4.  Done the melatonin thing-big FAIL.

5.  Tried the alcohol/glass of wine remedy.  Enjoyed this, but woke up later with bad dreams.  I’m a  descendant of good, alcoholic stock.  This is no solution for me although I enjoy a good AA meeting.

You see, I can fall asleep but I wake up.  Early.  Like 2 or 3 a.m.  As wakefulness approaches, awareness of the Nascar mind comes into focus.  The racing dialogue last night was something like this:

la, la, la, laaaaa, (insert the WORST elevator tune one would love to forget-it’s not Moonlight Sonata!)…….why aren’t there any world-famous Canadians STILL living in Canada (after the Olympic closing ceremonies with William Shatner and Michael J. Fox)…is Canada that bad?……sweating, sweating, legs are sweating and sliding off one another….even Roxy-Doxy moves away…….feeling for her paws……aren’t dachshund feet the greatest?tail wag…..more botox, yeah, more botox and maybe that thermage stuff….sweating…..my back doesn’t feel so good……make the chiropractor appointment…..snowing outside?maybe it is snowing?……sweating, took the premarin, had a hysterectomy,why am I STILL sweating?!FREAK, maybe double dose estrogen tomorrow night?…..fa, la, la, la, LAAAA……Pioneer Woman, I want to be your friend……why didn’t you pick my kick-ass dog photo?…..Pioneer Woman, you suck!…you wouldn’t know a great dog photo if it bit you on the ass!….sweating…..exactly how long is forever?…..Shaun White has the reddest hair…..Carrot-Top of snowboarding……la, la, la…..

You get the drift?  I’m observing some seriously crazy-brain outside myself.  Weird.
Any-hoo….. to all 6 of my followers:  I’m givin’ up the crack….gettin’ the monkey off my back.  Attempting unmedicated sleep.  Embracing my inner whacked-out, sleepless self.  Lovin’ the me.  Could this be my normal?  Whatevs.

One piercing question still cries for an answer……why AREN’T there any world-famous Canadians who still live in Canada?  Let me know if you can think of even one.

really….Pioneer Woman...you are a blogoshpere goddess!