crap shoot

The following post contains disturbing information about make-up. If you are a man, you may wish to stop reading….that is, unless you are familiar with repairing drywall. In that case, please read on.

It’s a battle. I’m fighting with every scraper and paintbrush in my toolbox.

The dilemma?  Trying to convince the make-up I apply in the morning to actually adhere to my FACE. About 2:00 pm the makeup has mysteriously disappeared, or worse, it has cemented itself into the rivulets and grand canyons on the porous landscape of my visage.

Being a fighter and problem-solver by nature, I sought to stop the southward flow of my Estee Lauder. After applying moisturizer in the morning, I follow with this spackle of wrinkle fillers.

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This is the ‘filler’ that keeps the makeup where it belongs. No more migrating.

Do I look like a martian after applying this green goo? I dunno….it’s supposed to take the ruddy redness out of my skin. After liberally smoothing this product over my face with a small putty knife, it’s time to apply foundation. No taping or sanding required during this step.

Next, I squirt some foundation onto my fingertips along with a blob of the following product.

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If the label doesn’t proclaim AMAZING or INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH, I don’t bother.

I want excellent coverage and this keeps me from having to apply a second coat. Kinda serves the same function as KILLZ in covering black mold.

When the wall color is set, I work on the windows (eyes). Apply another eye primer and then the eyeshadow of my choice.

When the walls and windows are all set and smooth, THAT’S when I reach for the face shellac. This is the product to finish things off. Sort of a Gorilla Glue for ladies. The ultimate fixative!

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Just think of this as hairspray for the face.

That’s my morning drywall ritual. Easy enough (dripping sarcasm).

But, last Monday something went terribly wrong. When I grabbed the shellac and liberally sprayed my face to set the spackle and paint, I choked with the atomic fumes of an exploding navel orange. Seems I had picked up the wrong product. How had this little bottle made it from it’s home on the back of my toilet to my make-up table? (Texan!?….Roxy Doxy?)

Are you familiar with Crap Shooter?

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Spray in the toilet BEFORE you do the dirty deed. All that is left is the sweet fragrance of orange blossoms!

It’s an outstanding product. But it makes for a pungent and inferno-like facial shellac.

I got extremely lucky this time. Really.

No one mistook my face for a toilet all day.

Thankful love to all.

fowl tales

*****handing you a dirty martini*****

WELCOME!!
Thanks for coming to the open house.

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Doesn’t every home need chocolate chips?

Even though I’m still learning the ropes of this new format, rest assured the quirky cast of characters moved with me.

The Texan? He’s here. Don’t even ask about the Sprouts. They’re here, too. A certain conservative, dental hygiene-obsessed, gun-totin’ wiener dog? Yeah, she made the trip even though she complained bitterly about her moving box.

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I gave her air holes…what more could she want?!

Now….I want to ask you a favor? If you were signed in as a follower on the old blog (or even if you weren’t), would you consider following me at this new place? You should see a handy-dandy sign-up button on the right side of the blog. Just click and voila! Done.

You don’t want to miss:

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My Super Bowl rendezvous with Captain Morgan.
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My unique and bold new use of ‘crap shooter’.
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My new-found love affair with this ancient, seedy fruit.
On the ranch in Union County, New Mexico
The recent spotting of this mountain lion on the ranch in Union County, New Mexico.
Moi, on the high seas
Why am I showing you my tail while on the high seas?

I’ll be beginning an interesting new series next week. It’s all very hush-hush for now, but you’ll want to check it out. I’ll be taking you to a place most of you have never been before. I’m dying to take you along with me! Stay tuned.

Thanks for coming by. You can keep the martini glass. My compliments.

New beginning love to all.